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EXAMS ARE JUST PAPERS!

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Exams are a funny lot…They get upside your head n mess up your whole system.Its funny how people behave during this hair-plucking,intense n tense period….

Some…,

….Eat like they live for it.You know, they eat like they had been fasting the whole sem and when the Exams come they break their fast…A recent case-study->1st She pulls out Dentyne and chews for a few minutes(obviously it will make her hungry), then comes out a chocolate bar in between discussions about the next paper, 3rd Daima Yoghurt spills all over the Calculator n in the process of getting wet wipes she chucks a can of Sprite n a Croissant…n aaaall that hapens before lunch break…What will she chuck after Lunch?…Only God Knows!..n dudes too are not left out on this..for them it’s not Snacking its eating Whole Meals…around this tym those Mama’s that sell chapos n ugali smile all day long..not forgetting wasee wa ‘smokie’ pia…

Some…

…Are Stoned all day n esp. at night, ati to Transnight…Does it really work?!Am preeety skeptic bout that really…Something I noticed about ‘Stoners’ is that 81% of their conversation will be about Weed n they’ll use all synonyms of it to describe how much awesome it was n how without it they wouldn’t hav read a damn thing.And when the Kush kicks in, the Munchies follow n if a nigga is denied some food he myt bite your head off, Literally!.Then it’s back to eating like a nigga had vacationed in N.Eastern.

Some…

…Become Snobs in the name of ‘Focus’!…When you meet somewhere in the streets all (s)he says is “Yo Good?…Am in a rush siiii we’ll talk later!?”…n the txts,Woi! They go unanswered ama come back 1-worded, mostly adjectives.SAAAD!.Call someone n if it’s not ‘Mteja’ Goodluck buddy!(Yea, by now you might have correctly assumed i have a BIG problem with people who do that).This are the days kuenda Plot your minus a few guys from your Clique, if your lucky enough you’ll be two, out of a possible 10…for real tho’…

Guys, Guys, Guys…I know exams are very VEEEERY important but it daent mean you change your whole Persona coz of some Papers.I mean will you let exams control your school life n you know Papers n Qualifications don’t mean a lot nowadays.So I recommend you take a Chill Pill every end of sem n Relaaaaask!…#jstthinkaboutit!#

*Disclaimer*-I didn’t post last week not coz i had Exams…:)

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BOY VS GIRL!

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Viewer,Reader discretion is advised.The views in this piece are not in any way mine,well at least not all,so hold your tongue or rather bite your tongue instead of biting my head off,Ok?…Relask and have a sit!…“Whose are they?” you ask…Uuuuum they are just ideas and perceptions of the General Public…Chicks who complain about dudes,Dudes who complain about Chicks.But from my point of view its pretty funny,tho’ logical too,why they all complain…this is just a few of the complaints my ears have had the chance to come across .Yea,sooo here goes nothing…Ok,rather something.

GIRL:I don’t like txting you coz you always take ‘Light Years’ to reply and you always leave me hangingat the worst of times.And when I decide  kukufungulia roho and spill my emotions in an extra eexxttrraa looooong txt all I get is a ‘Sory babe’ and a change of topic, and that’s on a good day yo…You know sometimes I think am actually happier to hear “Mteja wa nambari uliopiga…” than know the phone is ringing and your not picking it up.And would it really hurt you just to call and say ‘Morning
?’ or ‘Goodnight?’,would it??

BOY:Unless your in a different Time Zone I do not expect you to txt me ‘Mornin babe’ even before the Sun rises and ‘How didyu sleep’ even before I wake-up…at least take some breakfast first,Ok?…And 300 word essays are for the Lecturer not me,sawa?And if I don’t pick up your call then I don’t txt back giving a legit reason,you just know niko kwa mat and i cant chuck my phone inside a mat you know what can hapen through the window ama my Okoa Jahazi debt has not yet been settled ama my phone is dead ama…you get my flow,right?…and i can’t leave you hanging like an apostrophe…talking about apostrophe’s you don’t have to punctuate every little word/phrase that sounds cool with a
Hashtag,its only appropriate inside the walls of Kingdom ‘Twitter’ and ‘
Instagram’…#Easeh?

BOY:Even tho’ I don’t like it,only my Mom has the right to ask me ‘Where I was,who I was with and what I was doing’.You don’t see me doing the same do you??If I don’t keep tabs on you and your girlfriends ain’t it only fair for you to do the same when am kicking it with my pals?

GIRL:Oh,Ok,then why do you get Mad when I go for a ‘Girls Night Out?”it daen necessarily mean am raving,and even when am raving without you,why does it get to you??eh?...ama when I tell you I slept over at my besfrends digs and he just happens to be a dude,a straight one at that?Why do you get mad?…You do know am a chick and am allowed to feel jus a lil’ bit insecure but unfortunately your not allowed to.

GIRL:You shaggy hair makes me cringe in disgust,and your dirty mess of a beard makes me shiver in….in…in even more Disgust…I mean,you’d think a Viking from the 11th century found a time-machine and came to the 21st century.Kwani vinyozi walistrike na sijui?? *LQTM*

BOY:I shave my ‘Ndengu’ and my scruffy beard,you lose whatever that is that inhabits the upper regions of your head,you know,that-which-cannot-be-named.I mean why have a Beautiful picture but an Ugly frame??…Someone care to explain to me coz I really don’t get it…o.O…If you won’t lose it then I guess Tit for Tat is Touché.I love your real long hair as much as you hate my real long hair.

BOY:If I wear shoes I can comfortably walk in I don’t see why you shouldn’t.Beauty aint pain or sacrifice ,it’s comfort and fit,right?. So lose them 6 inches if they don’t fit or you didn’t read well the manual of how to use them. But its an exception if you’re an acrobat and your practicing for a Circus event somewhere where you really need to balance…

BOY:‘Face painting’ is soooo not cool esp if your not a kid anymore,so I don’t really understand why everytime we meet its like your from a Kid’s Birthday Party and your face looks overdecorated like our ’96 Christmas tree.Keep it simple,am sure you wouldn’t look like ‘Precious’..or would you??

GIRL:And you,unless you are your lil’ bro’s Colouring Book I don’t understand why tattoos are all over your body,from your head to your elbows to your knees and to all those weird parts of the male anatomy.I dread how you’ll look when you grow old…WOI!!Something like a piece of bad art dripping paint…SIQ!

 I don’t think any of this ‘conundrums’ would be solved but making a big fuss out of it just makes the waters muddier.You overlook some things,I overlook some…The 3rd law of Newton-For every force/action there’s an equal and opposite reaction…so you compromise kidogo,I compromise kiasi pia,we live a happy life,Cool?…#jstthinkaboutit!#

BURNING TIME AT THE STOP!

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So my pal goes on a rant and says its unfair how i didn’t categorize ‘Good Gals’ in my last post coz she couldn’t find where she fits…Then i decide to write another list..so here goes:

1-The…….Aii,i’ve already lost the syk,now i know why movie sequels suck.Part 2’s never get beter than the first one.So,lemme post a Guest piece instead…

Am chilling at the Stop for a Bus and one comes but instead of getting in people start arguing about who was where and what-not,arguments that are neither here nor there,Literally.From my Bird’s Eye View (yes,i was that far behind the line) they looked like monkeys,okay  thats kinda abusive,lets say minions fighting over a Banana for kedo 10 minutes yaani hadi the Dere chucked with the Bus when it was still empty.I knew he was going home to sleep early (Lucky Bastard!)

OH SNAP!The heavens decide to bleed and like moths to a light people quickly shuffle to the shed and those guys who were behind came infront and i was pushed farther back,just my luck,ay?…and am pressed *Biting lip*.And i go like “Could this get any better??”

The Taxi-drivers with those smug faces are parked right next to the line,legs hanging out of the car,toothpicks in their mouths,and listening to Ghetto Radio as they throw this funny glances at you,you’d think thy’re eyes are twitching kumbe they are trying to seduce you with nods and winks so they can take you home…hehe,i can see how rotten your minds can get,but think about it,they really want to take you home.But going home with a taxi is breaking ‘The Suferer Code’,you will be seen as a traitor of The Following,you will be reffered to as one of ‘The Others’.

Okay,so maybe it seems i’ll watch the sun set and the darkness creep in and to avoid fainting with boredom i look at my fellow line-makers and write this piece down…Anyhu,I noticed the line could be divided into 4-The 1st quarter is Hopeful,faces jovial n smiling,counting how many people away they are from the bus,some are fidgety,almost jumping with joy.The 2nd quarter are crossing their fingers hoping that it won’t rain and a bus will come in time,they’re stealing glances at the end of the road expecting to see a Bus aproaching,and glancing at their watches as if the device could fast-forward time.The 3rd quarter are still in shock aksing themselves why they did’nt leave school/office earlier,for them a Bus coming before ‘usiku wa manane’ is a Greek Myth.The last lot is hopeless,sad,gloomy,cold…some are tense calling their swiries to come to their rescue ,others are calling but they dont have swiries with cars,thyre just calling for the ‘virtual company’ and the obvious sympathy.

So i finaly get into the bus..eery silence,everyone’s quiet,thinking of their warm beds at home or dead asleep or sitted next to a person they had elbowed so hard to get into the Bus..Then i see those Middleaged kind of businessmen talking about the corruption in this country and how much better other countries are,i cringe at the fact that almost all the facts they’re stating as they do their comparisons are sooo wrong and innacurate and have so many statistical errors…I stare into space and debate on whether to sleep,pour out the water in my boots,draw funny cute shapes on the misty windows or sing Passenger songs in my head,well,this is where i get to #jstthinkaboutit!#

                                                   By the one….the only…Shee Njenga!

THERES ALWAYS THAT ONE PERSON WHO…

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  I get bored sometimes in class and instead of zoning out I asses and analyze (not my books ofcos)my classmates.I came to realize in any class there’s always that lass who:

 

 

        1-is a Tomboy…She cringes at the sight or even the thought of dresses,tights or skirts(unless  ni wedding ya sistake na anasimamia or it’s Sunday na Pastor atakemea yeye if she didn’t wear a dress.).She’d rather wear pants (and sag ‘em jus to look a little G) or harem pants.She prefers Ol’ Schools/Chuck Taylors to Dollshoes and Flats and considers Nike/Adidas high tops to be better than Ankle boots or Stilletos and she’d prolly rock ’em and still kill it.

 

 

        2-is a ‘Model’ –Got all the boys wagging their tongue after her

 

(except me ofcos,am so waaaay above that).She wears to attract attention and to prove a point..wich one exactly?…Only she knows!…She’s usually the one that will come to class ‘Fashionably Late’ and makes sure she makes an Entrance with her eye lashes batting and lip gloss shinning like she’s going to dance in a French Montana video…*shouts*(MONTANAAA!! huuuuuh!)

 

 

          3-is Plastique-I am not going to make anaa weave joke,you just know hers is so damn ugly it’s not even worthy of a joke..Her make up would make you think she fell in a pool of dough while cooking

 

Chapo’s in the morning and her eyebrows,as my pal lyks to put it,are ‘

 

Sponsored by Nike’.She Mixes and Matches and when everybody else is Colour Blocking  she’s busy Color Clashing and knows less,either way she’s a lost cause stroke case.

 

 

           4-is a Know-it-all-From what the Lec. said last Sem to what she’s about to say.She’s the one who finished her assignment before evrybody else and submitted her work thus forcing the Lec. to pick all the assignments earlier than was supposed to.She’s the one constantly answering the Lec’s questions until the end of the lesson where she decides to ask a question that unfortunately has an extreeeemely long answer or an answer that takes Hoooours to explain….Snitch!!..

 

 

            5-is an ‘Evil Queen’-and sadly always talks,rather yaps,about herself,herself and Oh yeah,Herself

 

!…She’d prolly give you that Syndrome..what’s it called again?..Oh yea-‘Low Self Esteem’.She shoves her achievements down your throat and makes sure you swallow yours.And if she’s not yapping about herself she’s yapping about her ‘Prince Charming in Shinning Armor’ and how much her life is so Superb!

 

 

            6-is as Easy as ABC,getit?-she wuld ‘Gerrit’ and give it up on the first night wacha ata the first date,akiwa sober,acha ata akiwa high.Winks at you every time you look her way and licks her lips .Its so funny how nowadays to get a hard to get chick is jus hard.

 

 

          7-is a Gold-

 

Digger-she’s the kind you don’t want to be next to when lunch time approaches or else you’ll be hiking lifts home coz she’ll promise you ‘Heaven’ and give you heaven-knows-what after you’ve spent your last coin on her.She’ll use her pretty face and seduce you with her slow sexy voice while touching you inappro..wait,I don’t think a chicks hand can do inappropriate touching,anyhu,back to the point ‘Runaway as fast as you can’ coz she’s the chick Kanye warned you about.

 

 

           8-is Crazy-the daring kind you could dare to do anything and she wouldn’t even fidget,she wouldn’t even give it a second’s thought or is it a second thought?If you ask her why she’s wild,she’ll whisper in your ear*like Kesha* “We are the

 

Crazy people”.Oh well,yu get my point,am on a tight schedule here.She dances on top of a table in class with a dress on and here’s the funny part-she’s sober.Now think what she can do wen she is sliiiiiightly intoxicated?…Guys, don’t overthink tho’ you have No’s 9 & 10 to read.

 

 

           9-is a Party animal-she’s the type of chick who comes to class with Big A$$ Shades (even in this winter conditions).You can guess why

 

!…She’s late to class like always and on Monday morning’s skives the morning lesson to Copy-Paste work that was due a coupl o’ days ago.Her phone is full of party photos which are all Instagramed on the daily or Facebooked (correction,she’s too cool for Fb).

 

 

         10-is Blonde-Daen know the difference between right and left,east and west,only place she know in tao is Lifestyle and Mr.Price.the xaxa xwiri,nimekumixx kind of chixx…ati coz it’s the in-thing…And in clas after every 2 seconds-“Ati Lec amesema?..ata simwelewi…” and it’s a HIV lesson.Tsk

 

!Talk about Air-heads!

 

 

Tell me am wrong but before you do…#jstthinkaboutit!#

 

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